Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
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Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.