It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
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Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.