I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
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i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
My Sentiments Exactly
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.