[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
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how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
I already tried new things thanks.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.