Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
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me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
You know…for fall…
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
My patronus is a cheeseburger
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.