Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
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Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
And then there were 4
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season