1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
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Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now