My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
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A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
beware of dog
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes