I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
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ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.