I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Breaking news:
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
where the womens at?
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.