Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
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People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
listen closely
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.