[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
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My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
So that’s what we looked like?
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.