PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
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If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.