Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
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in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
March 16
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive