I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
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*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
your elf on the shelf was delicious
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.