Cat.
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I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.