Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
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I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
i wish i could marry a nap
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’