God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
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Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Krampus.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral