THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
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A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
S M O L
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
tinder is all about the long game
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
He just like my cat fr
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
I’m being attacked 😭
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?