On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
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Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Best spot.. 😅
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?