Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
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God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.