[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
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Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
My love language is deader than Latin
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
the answer was staring at me all along
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.