Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
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person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service