The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
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I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Europe. Made in Germany.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.