Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
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Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Friends that check up on you >
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE