*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
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You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Spa day..😅
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
i now pronounce you bounced.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.