Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
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[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.