me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
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Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?