Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
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[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.