What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
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A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.