When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
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#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
is this a warning or an offer?
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??