“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
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I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.