BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
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I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
oh shit
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*