Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
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He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?