If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
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My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”