Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
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Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Where’s my employee discount too?
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.