Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
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*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”