I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
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me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat