*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
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Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.