99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
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Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.