Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
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“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Me trying to walk in a dream
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.