[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
You Might Also Like
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party