the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
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I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I would like even faster food.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
what’s really going on
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone