Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
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I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.