I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
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Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.