does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
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clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*