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You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
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At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
If I ignore life will it go away?
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
describing stardew valley
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst