I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
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Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Friday night party time 🥳
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye