*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
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I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat