me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
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POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
is this how new cars are made??
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Mhm.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.